I apologize for being a few minutes late. I was at the doctor having some basic blood work done—been putting that off, you know how it goes. Oddly enough my triglycerides were a tad high, but my resting heartbeat was excellent! It's now actually lower than Lance Armstrong’s!
Okay. Wow, nice crowd. I thought I was the dead one.
Anyhoo, I’d like to thank you all for showing up at my wake to pay your respects. Or just to be seen. It’s whatever, folks, you're here and that's pretty cool.
And just to let you know how sincerely I appreciate your attendance, I just posted to my Facebook page that, quote: “I sincerely appreciate your attendance.” That’s just me—still keeping it real guys—I’m all up in the “afterlife,” yo!
Now it's time for the "small talk portion" of my spiel. So, how is everyone? Good. Have a decent lunch? Excellent, here's hoping you packed some Rolaids and popped a Beano, brother! Right on. Gas prices still high? Boy, they sure are! If I could get my cold, dead hands around the dude that controls the price at the pump...Yes sir, the weather sure is a tad too hot/cold/pleasant/horrific, for me as well.
Have any trouble with the security at the front gate? They tend to be kind of relaxed when you're dead and all. I mean even if there are assassins in the crowd, who are you going to kill?
Well, I’ll keep this brief. I have a ton of things to do. Now that I (ahem) have some free time on my hands, I’m going to finally complete my LinkedIn account. Damn thing has been at 75% for about three years now…
Okay, here goes.
I have not one regret. I have about one thousand. Haha. Oh lighten up, it’s okay to laugh a little, it won’t kill you, I promise. And jeez, Lou, don’t look at me like that, I’m not going to kill you either…but, wait a minute...hold on a second...I'm getting a message...from beyond...it's about you, Lou...it says..."you will die in a horrible traffic accident on the planet Neptune just outside of Uranus in the year 2055..."
Haha! Gotcha! I’m not clairvoyant either playas! I’m just dead, baby, just dead.
And no, I’m not a freaking zombie. I’ve always been pale, a-holes—perhaps now even moreso—and no, that’s not blood around my mouth, either. I was drinking a V8 juice, and some got stuck in my goatee. My bad.
Actually, that reminds me. I need a gig. Yes I know that’s random, but ADD doesn’t die with you. It lives on and on...
If any of you are thinking of writing a horror story, preferably about ghosts—or zombies, they’re so HOT right now—I think I may be able to add some “real world” assistance. Hell, I’ll even eat some brains if need be—I’m a method actor. I’m sure there are far worse things being done in Hollywood as we speak than wolfing down some "brain chowder" to land a job.
You know the drill. Just hit me up on my LinkedIn or drop me a line on my "celly."
I do have some experience writing. Sadly, as an ill-fated attempt to build my own unique “brand” I never actually attached my name to any of my published work. I wanted my niche to be the “Mysteriously Mysterious Mystery Writer.”
God, that was stupid.
Maybe not as dumb as blow drying my hair while I was still in the shower. I still don’t understand that one. Hell, I was wearing rubber shoes and grounded.
Oh well, you just can’t win them all.
Well I guess that about wraps things up. I need to add a new Twitter profile photograph. The one I have up now is way too vibrant and alive. False advertising, blah blah blah. Word 'em up.
Peace out fools!
For a complete transcript of the preceding ramblings from the wake—visit the dead dude’s new blog, at: www.DeadManTalking.com. He’s also available for children’s parties. Look him up, he’s a hard worker that’s just dying to entertain (or scare the hell out of) you.
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